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Mate Match

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes." DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?" Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.) DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?" Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..." DJ: "She saw?" Sarah: "BRIAN?!" Brian: "No, no I didn't..." DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?" Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this." Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida." DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?" Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass." (long, long pause) DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

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thts just disturbing on soo many levels

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lmao!

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Cheap Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand up...]

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Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo when suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow. Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.

"Is it alright?" asked Victoria Beckham.

The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. "No ma'am, it's dead."

"Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!"

So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he staggered back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.

"Oh my god, what happened to you?" Victoria exclaimed.

"Well ma'am," explained the driver, "the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave me a kiss and their daughter made love to me."

"Just what the hell did you say to them?"

"I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow."

754

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Yes, of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: OK, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: It's a good house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:..... silence
HUSBAND: F**k.

755 - Dark and Fox - you've gone backwards!

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