Countin from 1 to 10 000

475
this wil probably never finsh because when we all get to gw2 and i think have a knew forum this will have no one posting on it

475

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477

Murphy

MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman. . . almost.

" The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped" The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

478

guess... 479

480 well now we are at lvl 20

Nuns

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....

On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your ! signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup....

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:.........

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

481

Magic Mirror

Ralph Nader, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun.

After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance. He said: 'Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!'

The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Ralph Nader stepped up and said, 'I think I'm the most truthful of us three,' and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore stepped up and said, 'I think I'm the most ambitious of us three,' and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, 'I think...,' and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

482

483

Grandpa And Grandma

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive. "How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill answered the son. I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

484

485

486

487

You know you're an engineer if this happens to you.

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

488

489

Argument Between the Teacher and the girl

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

490

491

Retirement Bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

.......492

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497

Speeding Blonde

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs.

"No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

498